A Good Night's...

It certainly isn't sleep.  Being WIDE awake at 0400 is never good.  Especially when you took sleeping pills at 0030.  I am in for a long, I'd bet on painfully long, day.  SIGH.  I remember when I used to sleep.  Fancy music that takes you back in time.... to 2004 when the Old Guy had deployed to Iraq.  It was supposed to be a cake walk, no worries, all the BS they hope you believe.  The ones that last until the first guy is killed in a major firefight (Sgt. David Heath, who is guaranteed to never be forgotten by any member of 1/41 Inf)  It was just past the two month mark of the tour, and reality started to set it.  They were really fighting a war.  Daily.  It was dangerous.  People were hurt and being killed.  That hurts.  When my husband was injured the first time, my first notice was from him.  THANKFULLY! the doctor who treated him had been around and knew for this particular injury ( just a little shrapnel to the left side of his face- they left out the bullet that destroyed his plates, but I guess since the plates did their job, that bullet didn't count.)I didn't need to hear from any one other than my husband first.  The second call came later in the afternoon.  Just about the time we sent out a search party because the boys didn't make it home from school yet.  The phone rang as we were walking out the door, and ONLY because it said US GOVT WASHINGTON DC did I answer it.  The gentleman gave his little speech ( that who knows how many times he had to give it, bless his heart) and he was so kind to explain everything and answer every question I had.  Shrapnel sounds scary and in your face makes it sound worse, but really, it was not much of an injury and as a bonus they let him keep most of the shrapnel and this incident earned him a Purple Heart.  Later in the evening, I received a call from our local Rear-D Commander, Lt-Promotable Nelson (ok, we ALL knew he was promotable...they said it EVERY TIME!) who regretted to inform me that my husband was a casualty after sustaining wounds while engaged in combat blah blah blah.  I calmly told the LT. I was very glad he was the last person I heard from that day, because that makes it sound like my husband is dead.  I totally get that soldiers call injured causalities- but all those big, fancy Army terms scared me senseless for a minute and I thought maybe he had been hurt again ( oh, he would be...) and it had already been told to me it was not serious, but when you hear it like that, you worry and wonder non-stop after that.  And, when the incidents pile up, and your husband's personality changes,and he calls around 2 am, it's hard to go to sleep.  I was already afraid of the doorbell, I couldn't tolerate being asleep when the phone rang.  So, I never slept.  From November of 2004- January 2005, I slept only when I collapsed.  It became a problem when I sat down after dropping the boys off at school one morning.  Put my ankle on my knee to remove my shoes and then, an entire school day plus a two-mile walk later, I had two unhappy boys wondering why I didn't pick them up.  I went to the doctor and got some sleeping pills that I only took when I KNEW he would not call.  At least I slept sometimes.  It got closer to his return and I couldn't WAIT to sleep with out pills again.  However, insomnia is helpful when your husband returns and is on a different schedule.  I'd be awake all night with him and up all day with the kids.  He adjusted to a "normal" schedule before I did.  AND, if you have a husband who brought home PTSD, you know exactly how much worse my sleep got with each passing night.  I was so thankful that all hell broke lose in September of 2007.  It did begin the worst time in my life, made me fight harder than any soldier, but I could sleep.  I think it was due to mental and physical fatigue.  It's amazing what sleep can do.  I struggle with it worse now than the Old Guy.  The Army in it's great wisdom has decided not to carry the effective medication anymore, so I get some stuff that works sometimes, sometimes does not.  Devoted a lot of money into the best bed, keep nice sheets and pillows- so when I can sleep, I do it well.  I just don't do it that much.