Gosh, sometimes I get busy.

I guess it is fairly certain for me to say, my life, at times, is busy.  I wanted to make an effort to write here a lot.  To document the things I go through, perhaps to look back and validate myself.  Whatever.  I have decided that I don't really care if others don't believe me when I tell them there are things I have to do.  It's funny how many people really believe you owe them an explanation of why or why not.  I hate to tell you all, you probably won't get that from me.  This is a great example of that.  This is something I want to do and  I can't even find time to do this!  Darn.  I hate part of it because in my mind, my time off from school was going to be spent doing a whole lot of nothing and even more of whatever I wanted to do.  I was excited to spend some girl time with T, and shoot, that isn't happening at all.  Summer has made her life a little crazy and it sure has for mine.  Another good lesson of don't make plans.  Oh well, not complaining, I've been having some pretty good times as of late.  The month kicked off with a visit from the best of the best friends.  It was awesome to have her here.  I love her like no one else, and she is always with me.  I know what she would do and say, and even though I wish we were closer together in distance, she is such a part of me, it's like we really aren't that far apart.  Being together, however, is just fantastic.  It didn't matter if it was waiting for her to get off the plane, or chatting about the CRAZINESS that has found its way into our lives, talking about losing someone dear to each of us... whatever it was, it was better when she was here.  It was a quick trip, but when she left it didn't seem like it went to fast.  We definitely made the best of all the moments we had together.  I loved that.  I love my life in Alabama, and sharing that with someone I love like no other is my definition of perfection.  Ahhhhh.  Thankfully, the VA had its act together this month and $$ we have been waiting on showed up.  That allowed for a little trip.  We were hoping to go to Slidell, LA the 10th of July, but it was all depending on the VA.  Never who I want to depend on for anything, but this time it all worked out.  We took off a little early and went to Mobile.  That was awesome.  I had no idea we were that close and no idea that close to Mobile was Dauphin Island and Gulf Shores.  Sure, I swam in the Gulf, but not too much.  It was way outside of my comfort level.  Ewwwww.  I will stick to my story that I say flesh floating in the water.  The boys thought I was overreacting, but Casey looked at it and he was convinced it was flesh as well.  Sorry Gulf, I don't know if it is residual goo from the oil spill or what, but you are not as clean as Tybee Island!  We made it into LA and got to meet up with Pat and Bill.  At first, they were my neighbors WHEN I WAS BORN!  Sure, they are like family now, especially since they have been a part of my entire life.  It was soo good to see them, and see Billy, their grandson, and his wife, Betsy.  Brandon couldn't help but to flirt with Nanny ( Pat's mom, in her 90s) and it was just an amazing trip.  Sure, I could complain about the hotel fiasco, but it all worked out, and what mattered is we had fun, with fun people, and I would not change a minute of it!

Also, we have been waiting to hear what is up with the OG.  His leg is sure giving him trouble and the doc put the fear of death into him.  The 5th of July was his appointment, and his doc called in sick that day.  He tried to reschedule his appointment, which he told me was Tuesday, and on Monday when we came home we had a nasty gram from the VA about missing his appointment on Thursday.  Ahh, thank you brain injury.  I think I finally have him convinced that he really can not do all this alone and sometimes we just have to let me do the things.  The doc did call him back to tell him his results were negative.  That is good news and he has agreed to stop acting like he is dying and concentrate on living.  It was nice to hear him say that, because I couldn't take much more of the dying talk.  Lord.  Anyway, we are back to square one.  Who knows what is up.  I firmly believe that until it is something, it is nothing.  Whatever it is, it really just doesn't control our lives and maybe we will give it a name of its own.  I had suggested to the COG that we name it Gulf War Syndrome or deploymentitis... whatever he has to call it to help him accept that it isn't perfect, but he isn't dying from it... we'll see.  We have some crazy deep conversations on the front porch now.  I guess that is good.  They have to be done somewhere and we both love the front porch.  I keep telling him how much he needs to be thankful to have this TIME.  Time to sit, time to talk, nothing but the time he always wanted.  It has been nice.  WHich, OMG, reminds me that I totally over looked mentioning we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.  Talk about a lot of time.  It was an amazing day.  I have not discussed anything about that day other than what we ate.  That day, only belongs to us.  It was pretty fabulous.  He wanted to make a giant fuss and production about it, I said maybe at 25 since we won't really have to worry so much about kids then... but our day was perfect.  There were a lot of years we were not even on the same continent.  It was enough to know those days are over.  It ended on the front porch.  It was good.

And then, well, for tonight, I am done.  Hopefully tomorrow isn't too crazy!  Levi is done with speech, but Tyler and Joey have to finish up enrolling in college.  I have already emailed my adviser to see what I need to do.  Wednesday, T-time!  Crossing my fingers that our celebration that day is of good news... because even though we are celebrating that day no matter what... truth is, it may not be good news and I will continue to pray that from now on our time is celebrated on good things, and the C is behind her for always and forever.  I'm not asking much, just that!  We'll know Wed. 

The sweet sounds of silence.

I have been up for 3 hours now.  Everyone else is still asleep.  Poor Casey was sleeping on the couch, but his mom called for him to come home, so now I am just sitting in silence.  I love these moments.  I know they are the calm before the storm, but at least I didn't wake up to a storm.  I swear I can feel God working on my soul.  I really cherish this time.

Yesterday was awesome!  My aunt Jane, Uncle Jerry, and cousin Jeff came down from Newnan.  We went to have lunch at Jason's Deli with them, and ALL the boys!  Jane is an amazing quilt maker, and she had recently finished Tyler's quilt.  She is proud of the fact that she has sewed one for (almost) every member of the family.  When she found out about us ( Long story short... Uncle Jerry is my biological uncle.  They did not know I had been born or even existed until about 4 years ago.  Since that time, they have embraced us all and really make us feel like part of the family.  They live about an hour away, so it is nice to be able to see them from time to time.) she started on making them for all of us.  She only has the two little guys to go.  I think Levi will probably be next.  She does amazing things to material.  I am constantly in awe of what she creates.  Beautiful.  Lucas has slept with nothing else since he got his, and Tyler is off to a good start with his.  Brandon was not feeling his best and I chalked it up to getting up too early ( by his standards ) but could notice that his leg was twitching, almost like the muscle was throbbing.  He sat while we waited in line, and after lunch he wanted to go to the National Infantry Museum with the relatives.  The hippies went home and off we went.  We had a nice visit to the museum.  It is quite possibly the best museum ever!  Brandon loves it and it's nice quality soldier time for him.  Jane, Jerry, and Jeff had never been there and seemed to like it as well.  It was hard not to notice that Brandon was not around and we kept finding him sitting on chairs, benches, or stools... his leg was acting up.  My poor aunt felt terrible for him and just kept tearing up.  It is sad to watch and she knows that he (and I) are frustrated with it and how long it takes to get through the system and wait on results.  She got to hear about our insurance dilema,and like most people when she hears it, she is shocked.  The good news, we still do have the VA and although I wish it was better, there are advantages to seeing doctors who treat soldiers, know the diseases that show up after spending time in the middle east, and know what brain injuries can do.  I can not imagine what a mess we would be in if it were not for VA medical treatment... it would be bad.  No worries though, because until we get him back on TriCare or next year can pay for Medicare... we still have them.  WHEW.  Anyway, we looked at as much as we could and then it was time to say goodbye.  Never the best part of the day, but at least we were happy with having had time with people that LOVE us!  When we came home, Brandon's leg was still acting up, he took his favorite spot on the couch.  A few hours later our neighbor stopped by.  She was the one who had arranged for us to speak to her unit.  Thought we would want to hear the feedback from our briefing.  They were all impressed at how well Brandon could get their attention and make it relate to them.  They were all having some good laughs at some of his statements and cane antics, and they liked how I was there and knew when to speak up and to keep him on track.  Always good to hear.  We have two more scheduled one in July and one in August.  They are trying to get another one in next week!  That really makes a girl feel good to know you are trying to help people go through the hell you went through, and people are realizing how seriously war effects our warriors.  We did have one gentleman call, and had hoped he would speak to his unit on Friday.  He did not.  He has been invited over, but is not returning Brandon's phone call.  This is to be expected, but Brandon is worried for him because he knows this young man's despair and hopes he doesn't choose the route Brandon did.  Thankfully, he was saved at the moment he needed it... not everyone is that lucky.  Hopefully, this guy will be.  We shall see.

So, good news for today, house cleaning is already underway.  Just waiting for people to wak up before I vacuum.  Dishwasher is sold and will be leaving us at 3!  JOY!  I will be glad to get the stove out and have my garage back.  Even though it will need some rearranging after all the stuff that keeps ending up out there.  I can't wait to get that back.  Until then, I'll sit here and enjoy my silence.  Refresh and prepare to live my normal life for another day.  Makes me want to sing... "Life is good today!"

One of those days.

My day never turns out well, when the first thing I hear is Levi crowing.  I set my alarm to get up before he did, and it went off right after the crowing stopped.  Of course, Levi knows what the alarm means and when I got up to turn it off, he was standing in the doorway of my room, bouncing up and down already going at 140 mph.  Man.  As much as I am dreading the upcoming medication change, something has to change with him.  YIKES.  His ADHD has been well controlled for a long time, but when its time to change, you know it.  The doc could have just increased it, but since his OCD is beginning to interfere with his life again, he decided to increase those meds and decrease his adhd meds.  That's why I'm glad that I use the mail order pharmacy, I haven't sent it off yet.  They could have faxed it in.  I need a few extra days to prepare for this.  I love this doctor, he has been amazing, best of all, he has been right on with both little boys- so I don't doubt he knows what he is doing.  I just know there is a first time for everything, and I'd hate for this to be the first time he was wrong.  Perhaps if you knew of the last medication change, you would completely understand.  It did great things for his OCD, and in fairness to the doctor, he did prepare me for every possible side effect... including loss of inhibition... Lord have mercy did I end up with a crazy kid who almost killed himself.  He wasn't joking.  Oh well, perhaps, it will do miracles for Levi and I will laugh at myself for doubting the doctor.  We shall see soon.

After I finally could see, had downed a soda, and  made Levi sit because I don't really condone jumping on furniture, Brandon was awake.  I keep hoping he'll sleep long enough for me to get Levi to speech and give me 30 minutes of peace.  Once again, not happening.

HOLD ON, gotta run and look at the slide show, RIGHT now.... we've only had the speaking engagement booked for a month now, of course the night before is the time to decide he wants me to do something different....

And, a day later, I am back.  Lord have mercy, what a TRAGEDY the slide show turned into.  The show is fabulous, it's just when Brandon can't find his "stick" and thinks the shows are lost forever, all HELL breaks loose.  Let's just say, all hell BROKE LOOSE!  SIGH.  Can't stand that.  Just to make it more fun for me, I couldn't sign into AOL mail at the time, and I knew there were copies there.  That was easier than going upstairs.  I just don't like the extreme over reacting and getting everyone upset over something that wasn't really an issue to the rational.  I know I can't expect rational from Brandon... but that is why I continually work with him to bounce things off of me before going into meltdown mode.  I know he wants to just be a man and take care of everything on his own... but Lord have mercy, meltdown mode solves nothing and ends up with me upset.  Over it now, the program was improved and we gave a great briefing this morning.  It was about 90 degrees, 99.99% humidity, and no a/c.  I do not like being sweaty, and it did not match my outfit!  Next time, I'm wearing cotton!  It was a success.  We had one soldier calling us asking for help before we left the base.  That is how you know you made a difference in the life of a soldier.  He will be visiting on Saturday, and on Monday Brandon will go with him to speak to his Chain of Command and formally ask for help.  Funny thing, they already think this guy has a problem, it is hard to hide PTSD, and luckily for this young man, they want to help him.  SUCCESS!

Funny thing, I had  a bunch of stuff to write about yesterday, and can't really remember now what it was.  Sure, Levi was acting up and Brandon seems to have declined the past few weeks... but it was just one of those days.  Thankfully, today was not.  Today, injured and broken, he still helped soldiers, and he loves that.  Heck, I do too! 

I'm not sure if the cane was a good idea or not.  He seems to be holding onto it for dear life.  I know his knee is buckling and the falling has been going on for years, but it seems like since the cane it has gotten worse.  We did have a heart to heart the other day after the driving mess, and I guess he knows it is getting worse and once again trying to control it and ignore it isn't working.  We did have a call from the dr. about if he had his MRI... that sent him into freak out mode, knowing he was dying.. when all they wanted to know was when did he have it done, because they didn't have the results yet!  WHEW.  I wish they had the results, this time it's like he is waiting for a firing squad.  It makes me nervous because the last time someone I love knew something was wrong... something was really wrong.  I've decided not to get into the mind set until we hear something.  Like I keep telling him and everyone else... until it is something, it really is nothing.  To keep my sanity, I really have to hold on tight to that.  Some days I feel like I am kidding myself and just living in a fantasy denial... and then, well, I would think up a better fantasy than this!  I just get through one day at a time.  Learning to do that back in Knox was a lifesaver.  Sometimes, that is too long of a goal and minute to minute is the best you can do.  Thankfully, still in the one day at a time phase.  We still have too much to be thankful for, and this really is normal for us.  Can't be upset over that.  Tomorrow we have lunch with my aunt, uncle, and cousin from Newnan, and next week my best friend.  I hate using the title best friend because I have some REALLY, TRULY, AMAZING friends... but this one is the best.  I swear, we were separated at birth, because I feel like she is part of me.  I am excited! 

SSDD

So, as I was typing away yesterday, Brandon went out to smoke and called and changed his appointment for next week to right now.  Great, I know he was upset with being so dizzy and having such an off day, but I'm not certain how a cane will prevent that.  In his mind it will help somehow.. I'm sure give him some confidence that he won't have to fall, but the dizziness, not so much.  I wanted to slap him.  We've been over this, and over, and over, and over-  he does not call people without first talking to me.  Not to change appointments, not because he has a voice mail... nothing without first talking to me.  He scheduled the appointment in Tuskegee at 2 our time and Levi had his appointment at 1 our time... and it takes over 45 minutes from our house to get to Tuskegee, Levi's doc is the wrong direction.  Needless to say, I can not go.  I HATE sending him there alone.  That campus is HUGE, and easy to get lost on.  He has it in his mind he needs to go to physical therapy, that is not the place.  He went with the form they sent in the mail, so hopefully he will get to the right spot.  I haven't gotten any phone calls... but you know, my cell phone is upstairs and I am downstairs.  I do not like this part.  You'd think at 39 your husband could take himself to the doc. I really hope they have handouts or I will be researching cane use this evening.  I suppose that is brighter than looking up Army suicide statistics like I have been the last few days.  Thursday we are doing another brief, and I had to update the program to keep it relevant.  If you want in on a secret of what about this whole journey is tough... here you go- war brings grief.  Grief for those leaving to go fight, knowing they will be gone for at least a year.  Grief when someone is injured or killed.  It doesn't really matter if you knew that person well or not, it is still a member of your Army family and you have a reminder of just how dangerous the job your husband is doing.  Grief when they come home.  It is not such a beautiful moment.  Sure, it is a sigh of relief, but the transition is quite often difficult.  A year apart is a long time, you can't expect war not to change a soldier and you can't expect a spouse who has been home becoming independent for a year, managing everything, to just give all that up.  Especially, when you know it won't be long until you will be doing it again.  Grief that war goes on, grief your husband wants to return and finish the job, and grief that so much of your life was changed, your husband has changed.  It is hard to look at him, see him, hear him, and not have it be him.  Grief just stares your right in the eye.  You can't get away from it.  No wonder they "invented" compassion fatigue.  What do you think, we care about each other.  It's all we've got.  Too see so many amazing heroes fight, die, try to fit back in with their families, or overcome life changing injuries... that is grief.  Don't get me started on what it does to families... I'd be typing for a week.  Can't wait to see what the rest of the week has in store.  I'm sure it will keep me on my toes!

The good days always seems to be followed by a day like today.

Levi has speech on Monday and Wednesdays at noon.  I have to make sure he is up long enough to eat, dress, and for his medication to be working fully to get the most out of school.  I set my alarm so I can have time to get up, wake up, Facebook, and get my morning fix of caffeine in me before Hurricane Levi is awaken.  Levi had gotten up at who know what time, and Brandon must have gotten up to smoke, because Levi was wide awake, medicated fully,and dressed by the time I made my way down stairs.  I let him pick out his own food, cereal won, and we were just waiting for it to be time to go.  Brandon came down the stairs in a hurry, dressed, and saying,"just let me get my shoes on and we can go."  So, ok, where are we going?  He thought I had slammed the bedroom door, and told Levi it was time to go.  Nope, we still had an hour and I was downstairs to stay for the day.  He decided to play his guitar before we left, his new song he's "learning", Toes.  Yesterday it didn't sound too bad, but today, yikes.  Double yikes, IN ALL CAPS, with lots of exclamation points.  YIKES YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We left on time, and I had to grab a soda.  It smelled like someone had set our garage on fire.  No smoke, just the smell.  Went out the front door, smell and smoke.  Oh, one of the "flower" pots was on fire, set in between the garage doors.  I grabbed some water out of the fountain and was putting it out.  Brandon was upset because "it isn't a big deal, it will burn itself out."  Um, fire is a big deal, next to my house, and it wasn't just a cigarette in there... Levi had put weeds in there and Brandon had an empty pack of smokes in there... and of course, to me that was enough to burn and catch the frame of the garage doors, which would catch the shingles, and then Tyler's room, the whole upstairs, then the rest of the house.  SIGH.  I played firefighter and we left.  I told Brandon that never underestimate fire and it is not worth the risk.  LORD HAVE MERCY.  We drove to school and Brandon made a left turn that almost had me killed by a Red Bull truck.  I'm glad it would have given me wings, but not quite ready for those.  Next, he drove passed the school.  Turned down a one way street the wrong way, and then while waiting to turn right wouldn't go because a car was coming that was almost 5 car lengths away, and a whole lot farther away than that Red Bull truck had been.  Sheez.  After that, we went to Home Depot.  I needed a pic of him to rib Gabe, and could not get Brandon to comprehend turn your back to the building so I can get you and the sign in the picture... I had to turn him, and when I moved, he turned again.  SIGH.  Got him, took the pic.  Came home to change the filters... the old ones he changed were in backwards.  Had to have a discussion about what those air flow arrows mean.  He helped me move the furniture and then plopped down and that's where he still is.  His brain is just not clicking today.  Not at all.  It is weird how some days there is very little difficulty noted and then today it's like he's a walking disaster.  AND, I have looked into programs to see if he can be assessed to see if he is still driving.  My VA CGC ( VA Care Giver Coordinator ) said she would see what she could find, because I know what a fight it would be between the 2 of us if I say he can't drive anymore.  His glasses have helped, but wow, those reflexes and responses as well as judging distance worry me.  It can't be denied.  Today we did talk a little about it and he knew it was bad, he knew he was just not right, and frustrated at a day like today.  What can you do?  We just have been sitting at home and when it's time for dinner, I'll ask him what he wants.  We'll do what we do everyday.  That's just what you do.  I keep waiting for this to depress me, get me down, or overwhelm me.  So far, so good.  In Kentucky I went to see Bradley's therapist right smack in the middle of realizing what was going on with Brandon, Bradley was hospitalized also at the time, and when I called the doc and said I needed to talk to her, she cleared her schedule because she knew it must be BAD.  I told her I needed to develop a plan for when I can't keep the three ring circus my life had become together.  I needed a plan B for when I couldn't do it.  I'm so glad I love this lady, because she laughed at me and told me to stop creating problems that don't exist.  I had enough real problems that I was handling fine, and then I'm getting worried about a whole bunch of what ifs.  Her advice, when/if they come.. roll with it, decide what needs to be done, and do it.  Just like I always have.  I love that lady.  She was right, it's only a problem if I make it into one, and I gave that up that day in her office.  This is not a problem, this is normal.  If it was a problem I'd be crazy upset all the time... I'm not.  I've come to terms with it, it is not the plan I made.  God always laughs at your plans.  He gave this to us, we've done our best to turn our mess into our message.  I've tried to put every positive spin on it I can.  I refuse to buy into the negatives.  I don't feel like my life is upsetting... I'm not going to let it be.

That's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it...

It was a nice Father's Day.  We got to sleep in and not wake up to an alarm!  Ahhh.  Love that.  Brandon was amused when I told him that I felt I should be the first to tell him Happy Father's Day since it was my fault he was a father.  It was funny to us both, and laughing is good.  We had breakfast for lunch, because that is what he wanted.  What was I to do, it's Father's Day.  Ok, in fairness, at our house almost everyday is Father's Day.  Just today, the boys don't complain about everything revolving around Dad.  I got him a guitar strap.  I can't believe I'm encouraging the guitar, but what he wants- he gets.  He loved it.  That is all that matters.

Last night we played Monopoly.  All of us.  Hard to believe that we had our own hippies all to ourselves on a Saturday night.  We had some good ol' family fun.  It was one of those you just have to treasure because it's hard to deny how fast the boys have grown, their 20's are just around the corner, and Mom and Dad get less cool everyday.  With all the Bradley incidents, a lot of these moments were missed, and even for a little while last night, we had an amazing family moment.  It was awesome.  Of course, it wasn't without brain injury moments.  Watching Brandon count the spaces on the board is painful.  It's not one of those things you don't think he can't do, but well, he has a hard time with it.  He wanted to figure out how much it would cost him to buy 6 houses at $1 Million each.  He could not get it.  Yes, we all had a good laugh.  I don't know why sometimes these things can be so funny... but there was a lot of laughter.  I hope that Brandon always means it when he laughs these things off.  At times we talk about laughing our way through these issues.  He finds humor in them... I would hate to think he hurts from them.  I know I can tell when he isn't finding them funny... I really hope I am not missing it.  I wish sometimes I knew what it was like for him, just to make sure we are helping him deal with all this.  I wish there was a way to deal with all this.  Another wish for the rewind button.  These are the things no one warned me about growing up.  Things you never imagined you'd have to deal with, losing people you love, watching your kids spread their wings... can suck from time to time.  At least with the kids I am eager to see what they can accomplish, but not sure I am ready to let them go.  I do know that isn't up to me... but I don't think Tyler is ready and Lou needs to finish high school.  I'm sure he'll wait at least until that is over! 

Two good days in a row.  Fun with my boys.  Laughing instead of crying.  Not perfect, but mine, and I like it that way.

I am a Phoenix.

No, I did not go enroll at The University of Phoenix.  I'm still headed to Columbus State in August.  BUT, all these things swirling around in my head the last few weeks have made me realize... I am a phoenix.  I am rising from the ashes of what I was to what I need to be, for now.  I think I'm ready for the change.  I've managed a life or death illness ( LIFE WON!! WOO HOO), had my brother lose the only fight he ever lost, been on a roller coaster ride with Brandon and discovering our new life, kids, craziness, insanity, and those people who we have met on this journey.  I almost can relate to feeling like a pile of ashes.  Really, a pile of... well, you know, but there are no stories of anything emerging from that.  It has been surreal the last few weeks.  Maybe I have just become schizophrenic, but I truly believe for the change to come, I have to embrace it.  Accept it, become it, and go forward with what I need from the past, and to leave some of the shit ( now I said it, lol) behind for good.

One of the not very important things I learned in college was to not use cliches.  I will always break that rule, too many of them are true.  Only the good die young.  This is true, oh so true.  Good things come to those who wait.  Again, true.  I've had to wait out some storms for the inevitable rainbow.  Take some time to smell the roses.  A double cliche since my dean at college pointed out how important this is.  I had to reflect on this one for a while.  Was I really missing out on things if I was working hard to get to new things?  Yes, I was.  My life is moving, I have to seize those opportunities before the roses wilt.  Unmade memories can become regret, and I don't want that.  What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.  I hate this one.  It's still true, but I wish there was an easier way.  Like, Dear God, make me a text book.  I will read it, take notes, pass the test, and get an A.  I PROMISE.  I learn well that way.  Losing my brother to learn to appreciate life, cherish my memories, live without regret, and no matter what to LOVE, that lesson sucked.  I got it, but would have preferred paying $249 for the book version.  JUST SAY NO!  OH man, to drugs, stupid people, giving up, to being a doormat.  The word no is so powerful and underused!  I love that word.

The person who I was in April of 2009 (before the shit storm began) wasn't bad... but the person who I am in June of 2011 is improved.  I'm guessing that is my plan, to grow and evolve.  I've had amazing examples the last few weeks that not everyone does that.  I'm also learning to be proud of myself, at least as much as I would be of others for their accomplishments.  I know I will have to continue this process.  Things will continue to happen in my life.  The good things, the bad things, the things... each of them proof that God is taking time to work for me in my life.  Even if I don't want that lesson or wish He brought it to me differently.   ( I really mean the text book thing..)  It is good to know I am strong.  I have felt weak and helpless, that started July 12, 2009.  I've had days where I didn't have the strength to breathe on my own and had to fight with myself to do so.  Part of me had died, but I can look back now and see I had to prove to myself that part of me was still living.  I swan in the ocean weeks after my brother died... I am the only person I know who loves the beach and hates the ocean.  I didn't want my final moments to come and think I didn't swim in the ocean... I did it.  I swam in the ocean in the moonlight, fully clothed, with no towels or dry clothes. It was too dark to see if there were sea creatures about to touch me, and instead of being grossed out- I felt alive.  For those moments, surrounded by some of my most precious loved ones... I was glad to be alive.  Every day since then I have wanted to do whatever it takes for my life to feel as good as it did in those moments.  That's why the roses cliche gets me, I wasn't enjoying living, I was just doing it.  It wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't embracing all the happiness that was out there.  What a waste.  Just another thing my brother did for me... ok, so he had some help in that one, but it was my first moment where I could make something feel positive about losing him.  It seems ridiculous to find positives about death, but it has been the only way to crawl out of that hole.  OR, to rise from my ashes.  Another good feeling.  I'm ready to put an end to this chapter, begin my next one.  I know I can deal with whatever... good bad sickness health... I got this.

Ahh, a good day.

Nothing I hate more than waking up to an alarm clock during the summer.  That's how the day started.  Oh well, had to be done.  Was showered and got the house all pretty in time to chill before the ladies from the VA arrived.  I was hoping we would qualify for this program, and seems as though we have.  WHEW.  My second concern was it would be upsetting to Brandon discussing things about him, in front of him... but he ended up going upstairs about midway through and hasn't said anything about the things that were discussed when he was there.  Naturally, he wanted to know what went on after he left, but somethings just don't need to be told.  I am very impressed with my caregiver coordinator.  She has the nicest voice over the phone, she is just the right combination of sympathetic/empathetic.  You believe she means it when she says she hates to hear those things.  I like her and am happy to have someone to help navigate the shark infested waters of the VA.  Feels good to have someone on my side... even if she's just there because that is her job.  She also had great advice from her previous job as an adoption worker.  I think she is just the person I need dropped into my life.  I was able to breathe a sigh of relief today.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

That was pretty much my day.  Wasted some time discussing bacon on Facebook.  Love a conversation that leaves your mouth watering.  Had to endure the worst service ever at Taco Bell for dinner.  It was ok, luckily for them, I was having a good day.  Not even waiting 25 minutes because they said they had to fry Brandon's chalupa.  Whatever.  When we got the boys' food to take home... surprise, they made it wrong... TWICE.  But, whatever. 

Came home and talked on the phone.  and talked.  and talked.  talked some more.  Talked.  Three hours and thirty minutes later, only due to a completely expired battery did our conversation end.  My ear hurts and was quite sweaty.  I can not believe that I talked on the phone that long.  Some times though, I guess you just have to.  I know I needed to hear another friendly voice and be reminded of the good people in my life.  Too much time is wasted on those who don't give a crap.  AHHH.  I guess the phone at least bridges the miles.  There are too many of those in between some of the people I adore.  Thank goodness, at times, for the phone and I am so beside myself with giddiness that in only 16 days one of my bestest besties ever invented will be at my house.  I'm back today at being a half full girl.  I have to figure out how to not let some people take me down and focus on just how lucky I am.  That is all that matters... I have those people in my life.  And bacon.

This just in, my brother is dead.

What a difference a day makes.  I have been thinking that I was finally coming to terms with losing my brother and even though it still painfully evident that he is gone, my memories of him have finally started bringing joy and I feel like I am getting to the point where I can remember his life and not let his death create so much pain.  I still have the roses from his funeral.  I keep them displayed on my fire place.  I have been trying to convince myself that on July 12th, those roses need to go on a float trip down the Chattahoochee River.  I am fairly confident I am ready to let them go.... well, I was.  Until today.  It hit me, my brother is dead. 

Sure, there are a lot of reminders of this in my life.  I couldn't pretend that he wasn't, even though I wish I could.  I would love to email him, or call him, or do anything to get him.  I know that.  It's just somedays it feels like he really is still alive... in my mind, my thoughts, my memories... some places he always lives.  Today, he is gone.  It started with an email that was sent to my niece, it wasn't friendly at all.  It was from someone I would hope would not have sent this email, but it was.  My nephew didn't appreciate someone saying things to his sister... and well, I didn't like my little baby nephew sinking to that level.  It got me thinking... my poor extended family has been through hell the last 2 years.  This person who did not know us before my brother passed away, never really got the chance to know the "old"us.  July 12, 2009 changed us all.  I still believe it will be a learning and growing experience, but well, we are slow learners, death is difficult.  On top of that, my poor niece realized her husband wasn't the man she thought he was, and he walked out on her and their two young babies.  That is a lot for a young lady.  I didn't lose my husband after I lost my brother.  Sure, my husband had no idea what to do with me at that time, but he was there as much as he could be.  We all needed someone.  Not all of us had someone, and how do you help someone with their grief when yours is debilitating?  No answer from me on that one.  My sister in law found someone, I am thankful of that.  I was, until he became the person who was hurting my family.  If a relationship ends... ok.  I could still be thankful that he helped her through a difficult time.  I'm sure it is not the consolation he wants at this time.  I realize he was in a difficult position and had some pretty big shoes to fill.  He was sort of set up to fail, but once it started going bad, well, the rest is on him.  It hurt my family.  I don't like that.  It is a reminder of who we lost, how much of ourselves went away with my brother, and what a struggle it is to return after such a loss.  I am a firm believer that you never ask God why, but today it is hard to deny that none of this would have happened if my brother was still here.  I keep hoping I can find what good will come from his death.  I haven't found it yet.  I'm not giving up.  I want that for the rest of my family.  Death is so individual, and I only know my pain.  I don't know theirs, but I do know... it sucks.  I'm having a difficult time with people.  Me, the optimist... I'm starting to think people just suck.  I have worked very hard on my own personal journey to not have expectations of people.  That has helped.  I just don't understand why anyone would cause hurt to people.  We all have our burdens, life can suck for all of us, why would we spend our time with people who would hurt us?  Do they not realize hurting us hurts them as well?  Can people really feel good after hurting other people?  I always want to give people a hand up.  Help them when I can.  Love without condition or expectation... and then they let me down.  I don't want to become a hermit, but good gravy people... treat each other nicely.  You just never know how hurtful you can be.

Garth Brooks was right, I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance.  I would have lost so much more than I did... and never even have known.

So, I was told to keep my sanity, I should journal

Funny how the thought of keeping my inner most thoughts private seems pointless.  I already know my thoughts.  And, then the irony continues because I normally keep all these things to myself, and now I'd rather share them with the world then just write them for myself.  I don't even understand myself sometimes. 

You can blame the VA for this.  Recently, they began a program for post 9/11 Veterans who need caregivers, and surprise, that is our house.  I had to complete some training ( you know, for a job I have been doing for years already.  Typical government program!) and it had some decent helpful hints.  Some I would have liked to have known years ago, and then the ones I just laughed off.  BUT, I don't know why the journaling seemed to stick with me to the point where I actually found a place to do it.  It did.  I found it, and if you are reading this... you did too!  Congrats.  Just know one thing, if it gives you a place to comment or respond and you put in there something that sounds like I'm sorry for you, or I didn't know, or anything that makes me view my life as negative.. I will bring you here and let you live it.  I don't need sympathy; I have humor.  I gave up the tears a long time ago.  Now, we just laugh about.  A lot of things that happen are quite hysterical.  I prefer to focus on those.  I know it sucks, it for sure isn't the life we planned on- but have spent countless hours in therapy to accept our "new normal" and to us, this is all normal.

The incident that pushed me over the edge the other day was the cell phone.  I really hate cell phones.  Brandon depends on his, it is a lifeline.  It contains numbers, notes, directions, secret codes.... everything he may need when his memory lapses.  When we set up the phone, it asked if he wanted a password to protect his voice mail.  He did, and chose the one password he has used for as long as I can remember, and the one he uses for EVERYTHING ( just like he shouldn't do... but, brain injury of the frontal lobe and numbers= good luck with that).  We finally got to the place over the weekend where he could not for anything remember that code.  This frustrates him, because he knows he should know it, and he spent a while trying to think of it... all the while getting more upset and frustrated over 4 little numbers.  He put up his phone, and on his way out to smoke commented on how worthless his phone was now and he wanted a new phone company that didn't allow passcodes.  Ok, well I had the password removed by the time he came in.  If my life had a rewind button, I would have totally used it here.  He came in and proceeded to listen to who knows how many messages.  Lots of names and numbers flying at him, too many too fast for his brain to process.  Just enough to elevate his frustration.  Remember which number to replay the message?  Nope, not even close.  A few messages later was an angry one from several weeks ago.  An incident that was closed, but suddenly reopened.  Listening to the message was not familiar and didn't seem to him to be old... it was happening right then with no recollection of the incident from before.  It was happening again.  It didn't go over well the first time, and the second time was no better.  This time he was already frustrated about all the names and numbers and accidental deleting.. and now anger from the phone.  AY CARUMBA.  It took a bit, but I talked him down.  Back to calm, convinced him the messages were old, and jogged that damaged memory of his.  These are those things I keep to myself.  Seemingly harmless, but yet causing an abundance of pain.  Another reminder of what is lost, what will not come back, and what will continue.  Another time to wonder if it will get worse or will anyone ever really understand what our life has become?  I usually believe it does not matter if people truly understand.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone... but would wish people could understand those moments you spend with him, the good moments, are a true blessing.  How much time and preparation goes into getting him ready to be around people and be their view of normal takes work for us.  This kind of thing is our normal.  It just is what it is, and we get through them and we go on.  We can't go back to how it used to be, we can't pretend these things don't happen ( ALL THE TIME ) and the one thing I will not do to anyone, anymore is apologize for these things.  Any man who fights for his country should be considered and treated as a hero.  Those who pay the ultimate price are remembered and hailed as the rightful heroes they are... those who return home wounded are misunderstood and often dropped like bad habits.  I have to say, it kinda sucks.  I have met some amazing new people walking the same path we are on.  They get it, it is "normal" for them to.  Some friendships have gotten stronger and some have made me question why I would have ever once considered those people friends.  It happens for normal people too, I KNOW THIS... but to think a lot who have walked away haven't done it as a result of Brandon's injury is ridiculous.  Some at least have had the courage to say so.

Ok, so I got that off my chest.  Not sure it solved anything, made me feel better, or it is something I'll look back on and think I'm glad that doesn't happen anymore.  Only time will tell.  Oh, and if you happen to call my husband... don't expect him to call you back, please don't leave a lot of numbers and think he can process them all- he can't, and above all , do not leave emotionally charged messages that he may not get for several weeks and then have to relive.  If you need something... call my cell phone.  I'm sure it won't be charged, or I'll have left it somewhere... but I can handle the numbers, I think to check it usually,and if you were mad at 6 weeks ago, I know how to check what date the message was left and I'd probably remember that.