I am a Phoenix.

No, I did not go enroll at The University of Phoenix.  I'm still headed to Columbus State in August.  BUT, all these things swirling around in my head the last few weeks have made me realize... I am a phoenix.  I am rising from the ashes of what I was to what I need to be, for now.  I think I'm ready for the change.  I've managed a life or death illness ( LIFE WON!! WOO HOO), had my brother lose the only fight he ever lost, been on a roller coaster ride with Brandon and discovering our new life, kids, craziness, insanity, and those people who we have met on this journey.  I almost can relate to feeling like a pile of ashes.  Really, a pile of... well, you know, but there are no stories of anything emerging from that.  It has been surreal the last few weeks.  Maybe I have just become schizophrenic, but I truly believe for the change to come, I have to embrace it.  Accept it, become it, and go forward with what I need from the past, and to leave some of the shit ( now I said it, lol) behind for good.

One of the not very important things I learned in college was to not use cliches.  I will always break that rule, too many of them are true.  Only the good die young.  This is true, oh so true.  Good things come to those who wait.  Again, true.  I've had to wait out some storms for the inevitable rainbow.  Take some time to smell the roses.  A double cliche since my dean at college pointed out how important this is.  I had to reflect on this one for a while.  Was I really missing out on things if I was working hard to get to new things?  Yes, I was.  My life is moving, I have to seize those opportunities before the roses wilt.  Unmade memories can become regret, and I don't want that.  What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.  I hate this one.  It's still true, but I wish there was an easier way.  Like, Dear God, make me a text book.  I will read it, take notes, pass the test, and get an A.  I PROMISE.  I learn well that way.  Losing my brother to learn to appreciate life, cherish my memories, live without regret, and no matter what to LOVE, that lesson sucked.  I got it, but would have preferred paying $249 for the book version.  JUST SAY NO!  OH man, to drugs, stupid people, giving up, to being a doormat.  The word no is so powerful and underused!  I love that word.

The person who I was in April of 2009 (before the shit storm began) wasn't bad... but the person who I am in June of 2011 is improved.  I'm guessing that is my plan, to grow and evolve.  I've had amazing examples the last few weeks that not everyone does that.  I'm also learning to be proud of myself, at least as much as I would be of others for their accomplishments.  I know I will have to continue this process.  Things will continue to happen in my life.  The good things, the bad things, the things... each of them proof that God is taking time to work for me in my life.  Even if I don't want that lesson or wish He brought it to me differently.   ( I really mean the text book thing..)  It is good to know I am strong.  I have felt weak and helpless, that started July 12, 2009.  I've had days where I didn't have the strength to breathe on my own and had to fight with myself to do so.  Part of me had died, but I can look back now and see I had to prove to myself that part of me was still living.  I swan in the ocean weeks after my brother died... I am the only person I know who loves the beach and hates the ocean.  I didn't want my final moments to come and think I didn't swim in the ocean... I did it.  I swam in the ocean in the moonlight, fully clothed, with no towels or dry clothes. It was too dark to see if there were sea creatures about to touch me, and instead of being grossed out- I felt alive.  For those moments, surrounded by some of my most precious loved ones... I was glad to be alive.  Every day since then I have wanted to do whatever it takes for my life to feel as good as it did in those moments.  That's why the roses cliche gets me, I wasn't enjoying living, I was just doing it.  It wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't embracing all the happiness that was out there.  What a waste.  Just another thing my brother did for me... ok, so he had some help in that one, but it was my first moment where I could make something feel positive about losing him.  It seems ridiculous to find positives about death, but it has been the only way to crawl out of that hole.  OR, to rise from my ashes.  Another good feeling.  I'm ready to put an end to this chapter, begin my next one.  I know I can deal with whatever... good bad sickness health... I got this.