Why do people suck?

So fed up with my "friends", or I guess people who pretend to care to our faces.  Been slapped in both cheeks a little too much recently.  I am TRYING so hard not to stop being who I am and just avoid people all together.  It has been difficult recently and I think it SUCKS that people can be mean, hateful, use others and not think one thing of it.  Be inconvenienced one bit... and BAM, their world comes to an end.  I always help others as much as possible.  To a flaw, most would say.  I never ask for anything in return and I am ok with that.  When I feel used, it is hard to keep it up.  I know I probably should continue, but I am trying to heed the message that sometimes people should not be in your life.  I do need those people removed.  Some days I wish it were easier, neater, and cleaner... it never is.  We always want the easy way out.  Hahaha.

Ding Ding Ding! Wrong Answer.

For my first time ever, I took my feet and got a pedicure.  41 years in the making.  It finally happened.  My sore, tired, scaly feet.  It is on my list of 101 things to do and part of my promise to take care of myself.  Something I have long wanted to do, something I need to do, and something I would never do because it seemed irresponsible to spend money on something frivolous for me.  Had my kids wanted them, they would have had them.  Had my husband wanted one, he would have had one.  But me, I've been last on the list for so long, I would have never considered it.  Today, I found myself in the nail salon and there was a moment of weakness and I went for it.  BAM!  Pedicure.  It felt so good.  Purple sparkly toenails are so pretty.  My hubby hates my feet and won't touch them.  He adores the color, but his response was- Oh, so you can get pedicures but I can't go to the movies... so wrong.  Makes it continue to be hard to look out for number one when someone makes you feel like number 2.

Nothing is kinda good, kinda bad...

I've really had nothing to complain about lately.  That is positive, but there is also nothing great to talk about. That would be ok, except, there really isn't anything kinda good to discuss either.  It is a bummer.  Things keep unraveling, but we had a rough discussion of things that I know needed to be said, but didn't want to say.  It was zingers all around, hurt both of us tremendously.  Even though it feels good to be free of the burden, it hurts differently to know it had to be said.  Hurts even worse to know I live it and it isn't going to change.  I wish this whole PTSD/ brain injury thing didn't cause someone to become so completely self-absorbed and self-centered.  I know I am everyone else oriented, but sometimes I really do need someone to help with my burdens.  My personal ones, not even the ones I carry for someone else.  There isn't enough free space on the internet if I had to unload all of those.

Some how, I just pick up and carry on.  Some days I wonder if I will stumble, but most days I know I don't have the luxury of falling.  It is pressure, just as it is incentive to keep going.  We do a lot of good things around here.  Nothing fancy or exciting, but we are still managing to make a difference for everyone who walks through our door... and a few others out there when needed.  Shouldn't complain.

Plus, I'm still working on my personal mission to fulfill the 101 in 1001.  No one even knows it but me.  Of all the secrets I keep, funny how I just want to keep that one.  Have it to myself.  I want to take care of me.  I'm making progress.  As with everything, I had to put a lot of thought into it before I would put it out in the universe that I was going to do it.  101 things didn't seem bad, trying to think of myself for 1001 did.  No one quite gets why or that I am serious when I say I need time to focus on myself.  I was afraid for a while I was going to have to run far from home to do it.  Right now, I'm working on balancing it.  Some days, I'm still invisible to those around me.  I will never be invisible to myself again.  I'm certainly not going to feel bad that this particular season does not have me out there, giving my time and myself away to people or organizations that do not care about me.  This is me time.  My season.  I don't know how long it will last.  I know my life will not be how it once was, and I am more than ok with that.  I am never one to complain, but I am glad the Army days are behind us.  God bless all those serving and especially the families standing behind them, it is extremely difficult and thankless.  It shouldn't be, but it is.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I made the best of it, had great experiences, and met some amazing people.  I am still glad it's done.  If we had to go back, I could not.  I would not.  To me, it is over.  New season.