A Good Night's...

It certainly isn't sleep.  Being WIDE awake at 0400 is never good.  Especially when you took sleeping pills at 0030.  I am in for a long, I'd bet on painfully long, day.  SIGH.  I remember when I used to sleep.  Fancy music that takes you back in time.... to 2004 when the Old Guy had deployed to Iraq.  It was supposed to be a cake walk, no worries, all the BS they hope you believe.  The ones that last until the first guy is killed in a major firefight (Sgt. David Heath, who is guaranteed to never be forgotten by any member of 1/41 Inf)  It was just past the two month mark of the tour, and reality started to set it.  They were really fighting a war.  Daily.  It was dangerous.  People were hurt and being killed.  That hurts.  When my husband was injured the first time, my first notice was from him.  THANKFULLY! the doctor who treated him had been around and knew for this particular injury ( just a little shrapnel to the left side of his face- they left out the bullet that destroyed his plates, but I guess since the plates did their job, that bullet didn't count.)I didn't need to hear from any one other than my husband first.  The second call came later in the afternoon.  Just about the time we sent out a search party because the boys didn't make it home from school yet.  The phone rang as we were walking out the door, and ONLY because it said US GOVT WASHINGTON DC did I answer it.  The gentleman gave his little speech ( that who knows how many times he had to give it, bless his heart) and he was so kind to explain everything and answer every question I had.  Shrapnel sounds scary and in your face makes it sound worse, but really, it was not much of an injury and as a bonus they let him keep most of the shrapnel and this incident earned him a Purple Heart.  Later in the evening, I received a call from our local Rear-D Commander, Lt-Promotable Nelson (ok, we ALL knew he was promotable...they said it EVERY TIME!) who regretted to inform me that my husband was a casualty after sustaining wounds while engaged in combat blah blah blah.  I calmly told the LT. I was very glad he was the last person I heard from that day, because that makes it sound like my husband is dead.  I totally get that soldiers call injured causalities- but all those big, fancy Army terms scared me senseless for a minute and I thought maybe he had been hurt again ( oh, he would be...) and it had already been told to me it was not serious, but when you hear it like that, you worry and wonder non-stop after that.  And, when the incidents pile up, and your husband's personality changes,and he calls around 2 am, it's hard to go to sleep.  I was already afraid of the doorbell, I couldn't tolerate being asleep when the phone rang.  So, I never slept.  From November of 2004- January 2005, I slept only when I collapsed.  It became a problem when I sat down after dropping the boys off at school one morning.  Put my ankle on my knee to remove my shoes and then, an entire school day plus a two-mile walk later, I had two unhappy boys wondering why I didn't pick them up.  I went to the doctor and got some sleeping pills that I only took when I KNEW he would not call.  At least I slept sometimes.  It got closer to his return and I couldn't WAIT to sleep with out pills again.  However, insomnia is helpful when your husband returns and is on a different schedule.  I'd be awake all night with him and up all day with the kids.  He adjusted to a "normal" schedule before I did.  AND, if you have a husband who brought home PTSD, you know exactly how much worse my sleep got with each passing night.  I was so thankful that all hell broke lose in September of 2007.  It did begin the worst time in my life, made me fight harder than any soldier, but I could sleep.  I think it was due to mental and physical fatigue.  It's amazing what sleep can do.  I struggle with it worse now than the Old Guy.  The Army in it's great wisdom has decided not to carry the effective medication anymore, so I get some stuff that works sometimes, sometimes does not.  Devoted a lot of money into the best bed, keep nice sheets and pillows- so when I can sleep, I do it well.  I just don't do it that much.

On a roll, and then, a speed bump.

I never intended to write everyday, but I don't want to feel derailed either.  I'm trying very hard to focus on myself and then I get slapped back into reality.  I hate that.  I would like to have enjoyed a few more days of feeling confident about being able to make myself a priority.  Sadly, this was not the case.  I can not break through the Old Guy's skull and make him understand that when he is sick he does NOTHING.  I don't expect him to, I cater to what he needs, do what I normally would do that day and do what he would do that day (which usually means, do dishes all day since he took that chore over to prove a point- and the only point he ended up proving was he should not talk smack when he can't back it up...)  When the day comes that  I really need to rest, lay, recover- whatever.  It does not happen.  I tried nicely to say several times I am not only not feeling well, but I am having a day where every part of my body is HURTING!  That didn't get through.  If I'm just hurting, well, then I could.... No, not today.  Didn't work.  Not at all.  I keep trying to be nice about it, but I am sick, tired, hurting, frustrated, and he won't stop- so, nice eventually goes out the window.  No, becomes an argument because I am not doing what he thinks I should be doing.  I NEED A SICK DAY!  It happens.  Geez.  I try not to, but I really need to give myself permission to not do those things that can wait until I feel better and I do not need someone yelling at me because they aren't getting their way.  I may need to keep count of how often I am sick to the point where I can't.  It isn't often.  There are a lot of days where I don't want to, but always end up doing it.  Eventually, it will have to be done and I am the one to do it-  I don't want to be behind.  I am just frustrated.  I feel invisible and I think there is no worse feeling than that.  No one can see my needs and no one can hear my voice.  Super big sigh.

Newsflash! I hurt.

That is something I don't ever say.  Ever.  Truth of the matter, it's been going on over a year and I've mostly kept silent about it.  On the days when it's obvious, I brush it off and make light of it.  Truth be told, I hurt.  I hurt a lot.  I hurt in every joint, most of my muscles hurt, and sometimes in my bones.  Those pesky lymph nodes that are swollen, I feel those bad boys too.  When it all hurts, heaven help me.  Most people don't notice the tears the pain can bring.  It is significant.  I just suck it up and drive on.  I don't have much choice. I don't have days off.  If I attempt to take a day off, all hell breaks loose.  If I tell the OG about my pain, he wants to handle the situation by killing someone.  That always fixes things.  I especially love being in agonizing pain and trying to keep the old guy from killing someone.  I just want to feel better.  That's it.  Not have more problems, just feel better.  It is a luxury for me to just sit and feel better and not worry.  Ha ha.  It is almost hysterical to even type it, because it just does not happen.  I have seen the doctor for my pain, 3 times.  Once was during my reaction to Augmentin, so my pain was insignificant at that time... to the doctor.  He gave me some cream to rub all over myself.  I can totally reach every nook and cranny of my body to put it on.  My husband doesn't haven't any irrational issues with someone else's skin being on his hands (thank you, Army) and he's never absorbed in his own problems to focus on mine.  I hope you can read the sarcasm.  The second attempt was the day the doctor decided to FREAK out about my swollen lymph nodes.  A little pain isn't a concern when your doctor is worried you have lung cancer.  The third attempt, wasn't much after the second visit.  I was still waiting on my lymph node biopsy, and even though everything was pointing to not cancer and the doctor could not ignore the autoimmune possibility, he gave me some meds a step up from Motrin, and ordered a mammogram.  I appreciate his thoroughness, but good night, I said I was having pain (and noticeable inflammation) not feeling lumps.  I really hate those stupid lymph nodes.  Oh yea, that I only told both doctors at the time that they hurt as well.  I wish they would have listened to me.  Hopefully, at my next appointment on Feb. 6, 2013 I will have some answers as to what is going on.  I'm tired of waiting.  Tired of trying to suck it up.  Tired of taking steroids for a few days and being without pain- only to have it come right back.  I swear that is the worst.  To feel better and then bam, right back to feeling awful.  People wonder why I never take care of myself, see what happens when you try.  I am SO glad I uttered the words, "second opinion", because God only knows what they would have put me through if I had not.  Losing my lymph node was bad enough, but hopefully it's where it belongs and they are testing every particle and cell in it.  I already know cancer is NOT in it, so that is a giant relief.  I'm not living under that worry anymore.  Thank God.  I can only thank Him for getting me through that ordeal.  I KNOW I will get through this, I should have stood up for myself like I would have my husband, so that is why I am still waiting.  BUT, it's not going to be pushed aside anymore.  The doctor is going to keep seeing me until they make it stop.  Life is too precious to hurt and waste any of it.  I know some don't always have that luxury, and trust me, I know how blessed I am.  I wouldn't wish constant pain on anyone.  Maybe mine is insignificant, but to me, well, it's not.  It's significant.  It hurts.  I can't even tell anyone.  Except, I just did.  I don't need pain and the weight of the secret anymore.  Letting it all go, one thing at a time.  Bye.

Day 1= Off to a great start

Well, I said I was excited about my 101 and I meant it!  I've needed to make this change for a long time and since today was the day, I did it.  I ALMOST did not.  The hubby is sick (kinda, he's DYING if you ask him) and I felt bad for leaving him while I went to the Commissary.  I decided I would just run and get what we needed and come home.  I went, got most of what we needed (except cat food and that was the main reason I went initially) and headed home.  It hit me, seriously, he does not need me if he's asleep, and there wasn't anything cold in the trunk ( except maybe those Klondike bars, but who eats those?) so I might as well just go. I got to the point of no return- exit towards home or straight to the mall... and I went straight!  I got a new purse, matching billfold, and shoes.  Two new shoes, two pairs of shoes even.  My feet will be so happy.  I am happy.  Things I NEED should not make me so happy, they are just things.  They did.  I was happy.  I headed home and remembered the ice cream in the trunk, and decided if it was ruined, it was worth the $3 I spent on it to take care of myself.  It was fine by the time I got home, so no worries.  My kitty cat who ran out the dog door over 3 weeks ago came home.  She looks awful, but the Old Guy gave her a Dawn bath and he was sorta moving around.  His condition had improved from near death to still pretty sick, but attempting to move.  Shoot, he even did the dishes.  Wow.  It didn't even end there.  I was looking up my Pinterest recipe to try, and the phone rang.  Stupid robo-calls from the school.  I hate those.  Then, it rang again.  Half the time, the principal can't figure out the robo-calls and we get the message and then a second, partial message.  Not today.  It was one of the few people whose name I ADORE seeing on my caller ID, with news that would have put a smile on my face on the worst day- and today, it was icing on the cake!  I know it isn't about the things, just feels good to take care of myself.  Not say it, just do it.  Not feel bad about it.  Pretend that I matter.  Even my bestie realizes she needs to care for herself more as well.  Sometimes you just need help.  My safety net is gone, it left when my brother passed away.  My husband is unable to provide the safety, security, and other things I need.  Not because he doesn't try, doesn't want to- he just can't.  I'm not bothered by that, I just need to care for me- because if I don't, no one will.  Darn it, I'm going to.  I started today.  I still have 1,000 days where I feel obligated to do to my list.  A list totally about me, not about (too much) what I do for other people.  I do so much for others, I don't need to do more in that area.  I've spent a long time paring that down.  I turned in my Superwoman cape.  I already know I can't do everything and if I don't take care of me- I will be doing nothing.

But hey, I am off to a start.  I even wrote today here, shared my happiness with myself.  I don't care if no one knows or ever sees this.. I DID!  I had intentions of writing something else, but it ended up much happier.  That is always better.  I prefer happiness!

The Story of My Life

Almost two years ago I started this blog, I got off to an amazing start, and then it was pushed to the side.  It was pushed so far that I had to dig pretty deep to find it again.  Even then, I didn't finish what I had started.  It was something for me and surprise, when a sacrifice needed to be made, it was my needs that were ignored.  I know better than that.  So, starting today, 1-21-13, I'm going to give this a go again.  Get the words out of my head.  They get trapped in there sometimes.  I need to get them out.  It doesn't matter to me if anyone reads it or anyone knows what I'm talking about.  Just putting them up gets them out of my mind.  Shoot, I don't even care about spelling or grammar, as much as I normally would.  It's just thoughts and those can be quite jumbled at times.  I've given up on perfection.

We will see how this newest attempt goes.  It feels as though I have lost myself somewhere.  I'm searching for myself again.  I never thought I'd be "lost" in my early forties, I suppose it's natural for everyone to come to a point where their life must be redefined.  I'm there, and with the boys getting older at least twice as fast as I am, I'll be doing that again before I know it.  I just need a head start on some other things.  I just can't wait any longer.  I'm not going to wait any longer.  Too much has gone on in the past few months, I don't want to waste another minute of living.  I have to adjust to my "new normal."  I'm really tired of hearing that, but it is true.  Normal is dynamic.  Sometimes I forget that.  I'm going to be dynamic for a change.  It must be time, because I am looking forward to a lot of things.  101 things specifically.  It was the motivation I needed to put my thoughts down, look at them, and then allow myself to to do them.  I start tomorrow.  I suppose, in fairness, somethings I have been thinking about, but tomorrow is when the action begins.  I'm hoping to fight off the bugs that are going around in our house, I NEED to start tomorrow.  Germs, stay away from me now!  If it wasn't so late- I'd start tonight!  Yep, excited.

In good news, the beginning of the New Year, was like my re-birth.  It was nice to close one chapter in my life and feel like I had a fresh, clean start.  It was liberating to start over.  I missed Dick Clark, but I was very thankful when midnight struck.  I even watched it on the Eastern and Central time zones.  I wanted to make sure 2012 was over and 2013 really started.  My hope was returned and I seriously felt born again.  This year, just has to be better.  I'm not settling for better, I want it to be my best one yet.  Best part of this, I honestly believe it is going to be.  There is NOTHING better than that!

101 in 1001 days

How it works:

The Mission:  Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past – frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

The Start Date:
1/22/2013

The End Date:
10/26/2015

Highlighted in yellow= in progress
Highlighted in this color=done

1. Visit my "Greats" in Texas.

2.  Visit my brother's grave.

3.  Utilize respite more than once.

4.  Visit a new beach each summer.

5.  Read the entire Bible.

6.  Read books for fun, especially the ones sitting on my Nook waiting for me.

7.  Visit my Cuddly Little Buddy, his Momma, and his Dad too.  Ok, even Nana.

8.  Take a REAL vacation, not to visit family, solely for fun!

9.  Bring home too much wine from Helen.  It seems like a guilty pleasure.

10.  Get a new Ipod.

11.  Save, save, save.

12.  Buy new living room furniture.

13.  Replace flooring downstairs.

14.  Get a bigger tv.

15.  Take the time to get my feelings off my chest using this poor, old, blog.

16.  Not care who reads my feelings anymore.

17.  Go back to school.

18.  Update my address book, after purchasing a new address book.

19.  Buy paint every month until the entire inside of the house is painted.

20.  Kitchen counters and a new sink... for no particular reason than just because I want to.

21.  Fancy, large washer and dryer.  

22.  Soak in my tub.  Waste the time and the water.  I'm worth it.

23.  Send random letters and packages, like I used to.  Just because.

24.  Find a hobby.  Love it, do it.

25.  Work on the yard- flowers, bushes, etc.

26.  Grow the little garden I want.

27.  Get a birdbath or a fountain.

28.  Crack and get a pedicure for the first time.

29.  Find a way to help my muscles feel better.  Do whatever it is to not be in pain.

30.  Find a way to relax in the yard... furniture or hammock or... find it.

31.  Redecorate the living room.  Make it mine.

32.  Visit some alligators or find them in Eufala.

33.  Have a picnic.

34.  Figure out how to enjoy lake and/or ocean water without freaking out.

35.  Explore GaBama.  Back to those day trips.

36.  Do something spontaneous on a regular basis. Sounds simple, this is hard for me.

37.  Get a paver at the NIM for the Old Guy.

38.  Plant a lilac bush.

39.  Take the train excursion around Georgia.

40.  Cook something new ( probably from Pinterest) each week.

41.  Eat at home more.

42.  When Phil's stuff leaves the garage, get it organized nicely again.

43.  Organize the hall closet.

44.  Get new guinea pigs.

45.  Keep applying for WWW retreats.  I'll get in one!

46.  Find someone who doesn't mind picking up dog poop!

47.  Color my hair.  I want to, I don't want to, I kinda do...

48.  Have a night out, dressed up, without kids each month.

49.  Summer visit to Helen, tube the Chattahoochee.  Go in Feb. and do it if feeling really crazy!

50.  Get my piano moved from KC to Alabama.

51.  Plant a new Myrtle.

52.  Buy new shoes.  Lots of them.  UNDERWAY!

53.  Keep encouraging education.

54.  Keep setting people up to pay it forward.

55.  Focus on me, at least a little each day.

56.  Read the magazines I subscribe to.

57.  Get a better camera.

58.  Take more pictures to preserve the memories.

59.  Start wearing earrings again.  Hmm, maybe get more earrings.

60.  Spend a weekend halfway between here and the Currys- with the Currys.

61.  See Rock City.

62.  See Ruby Falls.

63.  Get another fish tank.  Don't let the Old Guy kill these fish.

64.  Visit Gagen.  I miss her.  A lot.

65.  Get the last two ceiling fans done.

66.  New light fixtures in the bathrooms.

67.  Clean the grassy mess behind our fence.  OR Pay someone to do it.

68.  Pray more.  ACTIP.

69.  Live more.  Do the crazy things I always think I should not do.

70.  Drink more.  Work towards kicking the soda habit.  

71.  OMG, I almost forgot get a new kitchen table!

72.  Find a part-time job to have an excuse to get out of the house every now and then.

73.  Record and watch what I want on my TiVo.

74.  Enjoy my days of doing nothing!  Don't feel bad about them, recharge!

75.  Stop apologizing when it isn't necessary.  Some things I can not change.

76.  Start saving for the 25th Anniversary trip- 7-6-2016

77.  Relax when I can and sleep when I need it.

78.  Accept my limitations.  No one can do everything.

79.  Give up grief.  It does not change things and lessons the amazing memories.

80.  Live the Serenity Prayer.  My to-do list can not contain fix all the problems in the world.

81.  Live in the now.

82.  Go to my Caregiver meeting each month, even when I don't like my CGC.

83.  Lower my already low expectations.  Keep them low for everyone.

84.  Be surprised and happy when people exceed my expectations.

85.  Eat at Paula Deen's restaurant in Savannah.  Even try the fried chicken.

86.  Visit as many restaurants featured on TV as possible.

87.  Find something that connects our phones to help manage appointments.

88.  Buy a new purse every season.  Just because.

89.  Christmas cards.  Figure out time to get them done again.

90.  Get more frames, hang up those pictures.

91.  Give thanks and count blessings each day.  Every day, no matter what.

92.  Keep up with the Kardashians.  Some how, it makes me feel better about my life???

93.  Have fun.  Life is too short not too.

94.  Appreciate the small things, they matter the most.

95.  Watch Ferris Bueller and be reminded that fun is necessary.

96.  Find motivation when needed.

97.  Visit family too.  They are hard to be away from.

98.  Don't feel bad for doing the things I want to do on this list.

99.  Make a new list right before this list ends.

100.  Donate $10 for every item left undone on the list to a worthy cause.

101.  Give away $100 to someone for completing the list.

Wow, I did it!  It took several hours, one large break, and it all came out.  Feels totally selfish and I can't wait to accomplish them all.  1001 days doesn't put any extra pressure on me- and I need to re-adjust some of my focus.  What a perfect way to start!

It's like I just keep going in circles, I'm still in the same spot.

I guess I really am living SSDD or maybe my life is like Groundhog Day.  I don't know.  I do know, I get through one thing and then, BAM, exact same thing again.  It's everything.  It stinks.  I'm getting worn out.

Let's start with Social Security.  We just finished a review in July.  They sent us a letter and returned our documents in August.  Here comes November, and we need another review because we have not had one since 2007.  WHAT?  The lady called me to tell me the date to use since last review and once I found the paperwork and called her back to inquire as to why we are doing this again, no response.  So, I have filled out the gigantic packet of paperwork, and they can knock themselves out.  I was kind enough to copy the decision in July.  We'll see what they say next.

This didn't get finished... it happens.