Newsflash! I hurt.

That is something I don't ever say.  Ever.  Truth of the matter, it's been going on over a year and I've mostly kept silent about it.  On the days when it's obvious, I brush it off and make light of it.  Truth be told, I hurt.  I hurt a lot.  I hurt in every joint, most of my muscles hurt, and sometimes in my bones.  Those pesky lymph nodes that are swollen, I feel those bad boys too.  When it all hurts, heaven help me.  Most people don't notice the tears the pain can bring.  It is significant.  I just suck it up and drive on.  I don't have much choice. I don't have days off.  If I attempt to take a day off, all hell breaks loose.  If I tell the OG about my pain, he wants to handle the situation by killing someone.  That always fixes things.  I especially love being in agonizing pain and trying to keep the old guy from killing someone.  I just want to feel better.  That's it.  Not have more problems, just feel better.  It is a luxury for me to just sit and feel better and not worry.  Ha ha.  It is almost hysterical to even type it, because it just does not happen.  I have seen the doctor for my pain, 3 times.  Once was during my reaction to Augmentin, so my pain was insignificant at that time... to the doctor.  He gave me some cream to rub all over myself.  I can totally reach every nook and cranny of my body to put it on.  My husband doesn't haven't any irrational issues with someone else's skin being on his hands (thank you, Army) and he's never absorbed in his own problems to focus on mine.  I hope you can read the sarcasm.  The second attempt was the day the doctor decided to FREAK out about my swollen lymph nodes.  A little pain isn't a concern when your doctor is worried you have lung cancer.  The third attempt, wasn't much after the second visit.  I was still waiting on my lymph node biopsy, and even though everything was pointing to not cancer and the doctor could not ignore the autoimmune possibility, he gave me some meds a step up from Motrin, and ordered a mammogram.  I appreciate his thoroughness, but good night, I said I was having pain (and noticeable inflammation) not feeling lumps.  I really hate those stupid lymph nodes.  Oh yea, that I only told both doctors at the time that they hurt as well.  I wish they would have listened to me.  Hopefully, at my next appointment on Feb. 6, 2013 I will have some answers as to what is going on.  I'm tired of waiting.  Tired of trying to suck it up.  Tired of taking steroids for a few days and being without pain- only to have it come right back.  I swear that is the worst.  To feel better and then bam, right back to feeling awful.  People wonder why I never take care of myself, see what happens when you try.  I am SO glad I uttered the words, "second opinion", because God only knows what they would have put me through if I had not.  Losing my lymph node was bad enough, but hopefully it's where it belongs and they are testing every particle and cell in it.  I already know cancer is NOT in it, so that is a giant relief.  I'm not living under that worry anymore.  Thank God.  I can only thank Him for getting me through that ordeal.  I KNOW I will get through this, I should have stood up for myself like I would have my husband, so that is why I am still waiting.  BUT, it's not going to be pushed aside anymore.  The doctor is going to keep seeing me until they make it stop.  Life is too precious to hurt and waste any of it.  I know some don't always have that luxury, and trust me, I know how blessed I am.  I wouldn't wish constant pain on anyone.  Maybe mine is insignificant, but to me, well, it's not.  It's significant.  It hurts.  I can't even tell anyone.  Except, I just did.  I don't need pain and the weight of the secret anymore.  Letting it all go, one thing at a time.  Bye.