SSDD

So, as I was typing away yesterday, Brandon went out to smoke and called and changed his appointment for next week to right now.  Great, I know he was upset with being so dizzy and having such an off day, but I'm not certain how a cane will prevent that.  In his mind it will help somehow.. I'm sure give him some confidence that he won't have to fall, but the dizziness, not so much.  I wanted to slap him.  We've been over this, and over, and over, and over-  he does not call people without first talking to me.  Not to change appointments, not because he has a voice mail... nothing without first talking to me.  He scheduled the appointment in Tuskegee at 2 our time and Levi had his appointment at 1 our time... and it takes over 45 minutes from our house to get to Tuskegee, Levi's doc is the wrong direction.  Needless to say, I can not go.  I HATE sending him there alone.  That campus is HUGE, and easy to get lost on.  He has it in his mind he needs to go to physical therapy, that is not the place.  He went with the form they sent in the mail, so hopefully he will get to the right spot.  I haven't gotten any phone calls... but you know, my cell phone is upstairs and I am downstairs.  I do not like this part.  You'd think at 39 your husband could take himself to the doc. I really hope they have handouts or I will be researching cane use this evening.  I suppose that is brighter than looking up Army suicide statistics like I have been the last few days.  Thursday we are doing another brief, and I had to update the program to keep it relevant.  If you want in on a secret of what about this whole journey is tough... here you go- war brings grief.  Grief for those leaving to go fight, knowing they will be gone for at least a year.  Grief when someone is injured or killed.  It doesn't really matter if you knew that person well or not, it is still a member of your Army family and you have a reminder of just how dangerous the job your husband is doing.  Grief when they come home.  It is not such a beautiful moment.  Sure, it is a sigh of relief, but the transition is quite often difficult.  A year apart is a long time, you can't expect war not to change a soldier and you can't expect a spouse who has been home becoming independent for a year, managing everything, to just give all that up.  Especially, when you know it won't be long until you will be doing it again.  Grief that war goes on, grief your husband wants to return and finish the job, and grief that so much of your life was changed, your husband has changed.  It is hard to look at him, see him, hear him, and not have it be him.  Grief just stares your right in the eye.  You can't get away from it.  No wonder they "invented" compassion fatigue.  What do you think, we care about each other.  It's all we've got.  Too see so many amazing heroes fight, die, try to fit back in with their families, or overcome life changing injuries... that is grief.  Don't get me started on what it does to families... I'd be typing for a week.  Can't wait to see what the rest of the week has in store.  I'm sure it will keep me on my toes!