This just in, my brother is dead.

What a difference a day makes.  I have been thinking that I was finally coming to terms with losing my brother and even though it still painfully evident that he is gone, my memories of him have finally started bringing joy and I feel like I am getting to the point where I can remember his life and not let his death create so much pain.  I still have the roses from his funeral.  I keep them displayed on my fire place.  I have been trying to convince myself that on July 12th, those roses need to go on a float trip down the Chattahoochee River.  I am fairly confident I am ready to let them go.... well, I was.  Until today.  It hit me, my brother is dead. 

Sure, there are a lot of reminders of this in my life.  I couldn't pretend that he wasn't, even though I wish I could.  I would love to email him, or call him, or do anything to get him.  I know that.  It's just somedays it feels like he really is still alive... in my mind, my thoughts, my memories... some places he always lives.  Today, he is gone.  It started with an email that was sent to my niece, it wasn't friendly at all.  It was from someone I would hope would not have sent this email, but it was.  My nephew didn't appreciate someone saying things to his sister... and well, I didn't like my little baby nephew sinking to that level.  It got me thinking... my poor extended family has been through hell the last 2 years.  This person who did not know us before my brother passed away, never really got the chance to know the "old"us.  July 12, 2009 changed us all.  I still believe it will be a learning and growing experience, but well, we are slow learners, death is difficult.  On top of that, my poor niece realized her husband wasn't the man she thought he was, and he walked out on her and their two young babies.  That is a lot for a young lady.  I didn't lose my husband after I lost my brother.  Sure, my husband had no idea what to do with me at that time, but he was there as much as he could be.  We all needed someone.  Not all of us had someone, and how do you help someone with their grief when yours is debilitating?  No answer from me on that one.  My sister in law found someone, I am thankful of that.  I was, until he became the person who was hurting my family.  If a relationship ends... ok.  I could still be thankful that he helped her through a difficult time.  I'm sure it is not the consolation he wants at this time.  I realize he was in a difficult position and had some pretty big shoes to fill.  He was sort of set up to fail, but once it started going bad, well, the rest is on him.  It hurt my family.  I don't like that.  It is a reminder of who we lost, how much of ourselves went away with my brother, and what a struggle it is to return after such a loss.  I am a firm believer that you never ask God why, but today it is hard to deny that none of this would have happened if my brother was still here.  I keep hoping I can find what good will come from his death.  I haven't found it yet.  I'm not giving up.  I want that for the rest of my family.  Death is so individual, and I only know my pain.  I don't know theirs, but I do know... it sucks.  I'm having a difficult time with people.  Me, the optimist... I'm starting to think people just suck.  I have worked very hard on my own personal journey to not have expectations of people.  That has helped.  I just don't understand why anyone would cause hurt to people.  We all have our burdens, life can suck for all of us, why would we spend our time with people who would hurt us?  Do they not realize hurting us hurts them as well?  Can people really feel good after hurting other people?  I always want to give people a hand up.  Help them when I can.  Love without condition or expectation... and then they let me down.  I don't want to become a hermit, but good gravy people... treat each other nicely.  You just never know how hurtful you can be.

Garth Brooks was right, I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance.  I would have lost so much more than I did... and never even have known.