That moment when it just all sinks in...

We have been working for years to get to our "new normal".  Been buying into that the whole time.  The last few weeks, even for our "new normal", things have not been normal.  I work very hard to be the Ringmaster of our circus, but when morons not part of the show interfere, it makes all the balls I'm juggling, drop to the ground.  That just ruins the circus.  This month has been full of celebrations, yet so depressing in trying to come to grips with this "new normal".  It is no longer new ( 2005 it began, 2007 it was officially diagnosed) and I don't need anyone to tell me this is NOT normal.  Sure, it may be normal for PTSD, but it is just not normal one bit.  I don't want to pretend anymore that it is.  It sucks.  It stinks.  I'm worn out.  I have never once asked anyone to help, but I seriously wish they could realize how much their stupidity and interference HURTS.  The one it hurts the most is- me.  I get to witness my husband hurting, I have to be responsible for bringing him back to reality (haha, that's easy), I deal with all the fall-out from whatever happened, and as a bonus I have a husband who has been reminded of his problems and how he no longer handles them "properly" AND then I get to be the person he lashes out at, gets mad at because he's still stuck there in his recovery process, and when PTSD is in full swing, the one he avoids the most.  The last "issue" was with the neighbor.  11 days before Easter- so March 20.  The neighbor ( who probably has some PTSD himself ) has been forgiven and is an amazing guy.  A month and 5 days later- Old Guy is still mad at me, still blaming me for being "fine" when he isn't, still avoiding me like the plague.  Me- the one who stopped the insanity, the one who kept him from who knows what, for being the voice of reason when he was unreasonable, and the one who loves him through it.  I am the bad guy.  The moron who wanted to have a shoot out because he didn't really like the way someone parked in front of our house and hurled insults to the Old Guy for all the neighbors to here and talk about the "Crazy White Guy"- we'll he's cool.  He made a peace offering of leftover flowers.  I'm not saying don't forgive and accept (wife forced) apologies, but maybe a little bone of thanks or even a little appreciation, or just nothing hurtful to the one person with only your best interest at heart.  Silly me, that is totally who should get the anger and avoidance.  It is especially helpful his PTSD counselor feels he has his PTSD under control.... you should always ask that guy if he's crazy or not anymore.  I'm sure he'll tell you the truth.  I mean, most people want video cameras installed to watch the next door neighbor and get up and check for safety at 2am.  I don't know why it was something he needed to work on before, but now, you know, of course he's rationalized why it's necessary.  Doesn't make it true. I am just so freaking frustrated and wish it was easy to just turn his care over to a stranger so he has someone else to be mad it.  Aside from the chaos it would create, I know that would just make him mad at me too.  So, I am just the lady who feeds him, manages his medication, washes his clothes, does the things he says he'll do (and never does), fixes the disasters he creates, and has to undo the things he continues to do and not even think of the consequences.  I get paid each month for that, and then he promptly makes plans to overspend it all because it is "ours" since he is injured and I shouldn't get paid for doing what a wife is supposed to do.  Funny, please don't refer to me as your wife... but that is such a different post that I don't even begin to have the energy or emotional strength to discuss right now.  I don't even wish for one more day like it used to be.  That would just be too painful.  I feel like I'm honoring sickness and I honored health, I'm doing worse just like I did better... and I've lowered my expectations and am realistic about what he can do. I'm still a human being who needs to be loved, and I still want it from the man I married even though that man is gone and another one is in his place.  It's so complicated.  Escaping it, even temporarily, only leaves me with more problems to fix.  My heart is so broken, there is no way it would all fit back together again.  He has no idea because I just do what needs to be done and he does what he can to keep himself happy.  Never once noticing or thinking about me.  This part, well, there is no way to fill that.  No professional can help that, no medicine, no typing.  My acceptance doesn't help, I WISH I could pretend it isn't going to go on forever.  I hate being realistic sometimes.  I'm sure this will eventually pass and maybe the wounds won't be so open.  I can't avoid moronic neighbors, or dumb people, and at anytime anything can trigger him and get us right back to this spot where I really don't want to be now or then or ever....